Monday, May 24, 2010

"Christian" Labeling

Most of us have been through a “is this product ‘Christian’ or not” phase. I myself wore a W.W.J.D. bracelet instead of a secularized rope surf bracelet in Jr. High. This went on for nearly a year before I became disillusioned when the Christian fashion powers introduced F.R.O.G. I didn’t see how amphibious creatures had anything to do with my ability to walk in faith. Also, my small arms were running out of room for religious bracelets. Not to mention the fact that my conservative Christian school was in a clash of values because they didn’t allow guys to wear bracelets. Great debate was had.

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of debate about products and whether or not they are “Christian.” The guys who start these arguments have wardrobes made up solely of T-shirts purchased at Family Christian Stores that say things like “Lord’s Gym” and “Body Piercing Saved my Life.” They don’t listen to secular radio unless Switchfoot is playing, but they channel surf often just to see if they are on the hits station. They have indiscriminate taste when it comes to “Christian movies.” They are fans, regardless of production quality, acting or plot predictability. When it comes to classic American music, they couldn’t tell you who wrote American Pie or name a classic Bob Dylan song.

I’ve decided to challenge “Christian” labeling champions by confronting them for any product they use not bearing a Christian label. For example: “What is that?! Orbits gum! Haven’t you ever heard of Testa-mints?! I hope your breath is fresh on the fast train to hell!”

Or, I’ll present them with labeling conundrums. You know that your “faithbook” t-shirt was made by a godless pagan in China. Can your t-shirt really be Christian if it was made by a lost person? Can I buy a Marylyn Manson CD made by a Baptist factory worker?

Here is another good question: Can t-shirts and other Christian products make it into heaven? This is important for those of us who do not want to ascend into heaven naked when the rapture occurs. I mean, according to the Christian movie Left Behind our clothes will be on the floor when we are ascending. Since it is a Christian movie and subject to canonization at the next council of Nicaea (TBA), it must be true. I’d like to know if there is any possibility that my “GZUSLIVS” t-shirt from high school will make it with me.

I’ve heard that my wife’s Amy Grant t-shirt would have made it before 1991. Looks like now it’s going to be a lyric in a Larry Norman song about post-rapture attire. I’m sure the “Tribulation Force” will make Amy Grant t-shirts standard issue.

What’s your favorite piece of “Christian” gear?


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. At least Christian T-shirts are spelled correctly! And...quit knocking Amy Grant!

  3. I remember your GZUSLIVZ shirt. At least it was a little bit subtle.

    I for one don't care if we are naked after the rapture. That's when we get glorified bodies anyway, right? And God has seen me naked plenty of times.

  4. I appreciate this. I have a couple questions.

    1) Do you think we should be supporting "Christian" products or Christian values? For instance, we have Chic-fil-a that is probably one of the most Christian fast food chains around, they are even closed on Sundays. But do they treat their employees well? Do they treat their customers well? etc. Same with Family Christian Stores. Do we support them with their Christian logos, but where their shirts were made in Bangladesh not only by a Godless heathen but quite possibly by a child who gets paid pennies to the product. Take this model and apply it to each section of the Christian Market. Music, t-shirts, movies (most Christian movies are laughably terrible) and whatever else.

    My other question is, why is it that Christians have this starving need to copy off everything? Why do we have the take the Sprite Logo and write "Spirit"? Why do we have to take secular songs and make them Christian (I still struggle with this, because it helps to relate, but I still find it cheesy)? Why do we feel like these things need to be redeemed, when there's a possibility that they are already speaking volumes into people's lives?

    Anyway, I appreciate the humor! :D

  5. 1. Christ-like values.
    2. Parody can be creative. Mediocrity and mockery occur when we forget the most creative being in the universe lives inside us.